Will the attraction grow? The Myth of Instant Chemistry

Reframing Attraction: A Smarter Approach to Connection

When it comes to dating, we’re conditioned to expect instant chemistry—fireworks, butterflies, and that magnetic “click” that movies and dating apps have led us to believe is essential for lasting love. But what if attraction isn’t always immediate? What if the strongest connections build over time?

As a professional matchmaker, I’ve seen many relationships flourish because someone gave a “maybe” the time to turn into a “yes.” Ask many of my colleagues in the industry, and they will tell you the same. So, if you’re wondering, “Will attraction grow with this person?”—let’s break it down and rethink the way we navigate early dating.

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Why the “Butterfly Effect” Is Misleading

Many of us believe that if we don’t feel fireworks immediately, something must be missing. But those early butterflies? They often have more to do with novelty, anxiety, and even personal attachment styles than true compatibility.

Think about it: How many times have you felt that intense initial attraction, only for it to fizzle out just as quickly? And how many lasting, deeply fulfilling relationships —romantic or otherwise—started with something that grew over time?

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The Science of Attraction: Can It Grow Over Time?

The idea that attraction has to be instant is a myth. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has extensively studied love and relationships, explains that romantic attraction is a dynamic process shaped by brain chemistry. While some people feel an immediate spark, others experience a slow-burning attraction that builds with time and emotional connection.

In her research, Fisher has found that spending time together, sharing experiences, and developing trust can activate the same neural pathways associated with initial infatuation. This means that the “maybe” you’re feeling now could turn into something much stronger—if you give it the space to grow. The key is to pay attention to how you feel around this person over time rather than making a snap judgment based on a first impression.

Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist, also challenges the idea of instant chemistry, emphasizing that desire isn’t just about immediate attraction but about curiosity and emotional connection. Perel explains, “Attraction doesn’t just happen—it grows in the space where curiosity and anticipation meet.” She encourages us to explore connections not by measuring immediate chemistry but by embracing the unfolding discovery of someone new. Instead of asking,”Do I feel instant chemistry?”, consider, “Am I curious to learn more about this person?” This curiosity can ignite deeper emotional engagement, creating the foundation for lasting attraction.

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The Strategic Three-Date Rule: A Smarter Way to Navigate the “Maybe” Zone

We don’t believe in “date them till you hate them.” High-value professionals don’t waste time forcing something that isn’t there. But we also know that dismissing someone too quickly can mean missing out on something truly special.

The Strategic Three-Date Rule is designed to help you make intentional, emotionally intelligent dating decisions—without pressure, guilt, or overthinking.

Date 1: The Baseline – Do I Want to See Them Again?

Your only job on the first date is to have a good enough time to be open to another conversation. Ask yourself:

• Did the conversation flow easily?
• Did I feel comfortable and at ease?
• Did I enjoy their energy and company—even if I wasn’t immediately blown away?

Key takeaway: You don’t have to decide anything on Date 1 except whether you’d be curious to learn more. If the answer is “yes,” even a small yes, go on Date 2.

Date 2: The Depth Check – Are We Aligned in Meaningful Ways?

The second date is about going a bit deeper—exploring shared values, how they think, and what drives them. Ask yourself:

• Do we have any shared interests, values, or perspectives on life?
• Can I be myself around them? Do I feel at ease, or do I feel like I have to perform?
• Did I leave the date feeling energized, intrigued, or wanting to know more?

Key takeaway: Still not head-over-heels? That’s okay. This date is about noticing whether emotional connection and attraction have room to grow.

Date 3: The Gut Check – Do I Want to Kiss Them?

By the end of the third date, you should have enough information to trust your gut. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel naturally drawn to them in a romantic way?
• Would I be excited if they leaned in for a kiss?
• Is there a growing desire to be close to them?

If the answer is yes, great! If not—if you feel neutral, indifferent, or simply can’t picture physical chemistry developing—it’s okay to move on.

This is NOT about dragging things out or forcing a connection. This is about giving yourself permission to decide when you have enough information—without rushing, overanalyzing, or feeling guilty.

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Addressing the Fear of Leading Someone On

One of the biggest reasons people rush to decide is the fear of leading someone on. But here’s the truth:

Dating is exploration, not commitment. It’s more than okay to not have the answer right away.

The key is honest, low-pressure communication. If you’re still figuring things out, say something simple like:

"I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and I’m still seeing how this feels. I want to be upfront that I’m still exploring our connection."

A mature, emotionally intelligent person will respect this. And if someone pressures you for a decision before you’re ready, that’s valuable information in itself.

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Final Thoughts: Embracing the Slow Burn

Real connection often grows in unexpected ways. We’re taught to chase the fireworks, but the most meaningful relationships? They tend to start as a quiet spark—something that slowly catches fire over time.

So, next time you’re wondering, “Is this person the one?” take a step back and ask yourself:
“Do I feel enough curiosity and ease to explore this connection further?”
Because sometimes, it’s the “maybe” that turns into something lasting and beautiful when given the space to grow.

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